.until proven otherwise.

Posted: September 22, 2009 in random rambles

Assalamualaikum and good day.

It’s the 3 rd day of RAYA people! Have you visit your family & friends’ houses yet? And more importantly, have you asked for enough forgiveness this year? I haven’t. Wuwu~ (-.-“)

So far my raya has been okay. Although Tok Ayah has been a little sick lately. He’s slimming down to someone quite unrecognisable as him.  He was a sturdy man, recruiting his grandchildren for hari raya mass labour work. But now he looked so skinny, having chills and rigors, shaking on his bed. As everything is of constitutional symptoms and diarrhoea, i’m hoping it’s just gastroentritis. We went to the hospital, and the doctor commented nothing on the pandemic disease. ‘Phewh’, but not quite. He is still having fever. He once said, “lepah cucu bongsu ni, takdok doh la..” Maksu is bearing her first child, barely in the first month of gestation. Saya harap mulut Tok Ayah tak masin.

beloveds

Tok Ayah on pagi raya. He claimed to be at his best of health that morning, since Ramadhan. Until he fell sick (again) that evening and brought to Hospital Pasir Mas A&E by midnight.

As for everything else, raya is fine. Much hilarity with people all around me in the mood for celebration. I love it when people have so much positive energy around me. I think it somehow can topup mine a little since i am lack of it nowadays.  

And,

I hate it when it come down to this. But as i am typing alone in my room, and the negativity is so overwhelmingly underwhelming, i am easily drifted away from any presence of happiness, and start to think of myself as the 21 year old walking with the worst of fate on earth – which of course, not. God has given me so much for me to be grateful for. Again, it’s just my melancholy.

And to have this ‘syndrome’, and be in a relationship, is fatal. I tend to drag down lingering energy that i feel nearest to me. Poor him. I am grateful that my BFFs understand this concept completely, and survive it with me and standing still whenever the emotional chaos come into scene and me struggle in trying to figure it out. Kadang-kadang rasa macam doa tak sampai. And looking back into my life, it’s not hard to figure out why. (-.-“)

 weheartit.com

I once liked to think of myself as:

Wan Iliana = positive and honest.

But now, i don’t think i does seem so anymore. Nak positif susah. Nak jujur, lagi susah, sebab sepatutnya yang negatif tak patut dibawa keluar. Have to find a new recipe for life to perk it up.

There’s a line in medicine, which is very useful for a diagnosis.  “Until proven otherwise.” I am trying to get hold of this phrase. Because everytime i sense sadness in me, my mind worked its the way to previous let-downs and past crushed hopes, rubbing salts to the chronic wounds. And in life, if you search for someone’s faults to prove someone’s wrong, of course she will be, and that applies to you too. So i’ll try to prove otherwise. Whenever i think I am unhappy, any evidence on that, miss?  Can you fix it? Kalau nak ber-melankoli saja memanjang, abeh le. Manja ah kamu. Aren’t you one happy girl once? So, until i am proven otherwise.

p/s: Back in matriculation day, Didi Aiman gave me a book as a birthday present. A book on “How to be Happy”. I thought, okay, lame, but read it anyway. ;P Thinking of it now, made me grin. I wonder what was he thinking at that time? Did he sense something in me that made him trying to prepare for near future, in case my emotional chaos take place?

Haha who am i trying to kid. Of course he just bought it because he knows i like to read. That’s all.

p/s/s: Dear anyone, sorry, kalau saya dah buat kamu susah hati.

perk it up.

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